I just reread what I wrote previously and that is the exact rut I’m still in. Oh boy.
I am transitioning jobs and I just hope that one day I can find more balance with this career.
What’s also sort of interesting is just how intensely withdrawn I am lately. It’s very odd to be faced with a version of yourself that is not your usual self, but in a non-clinical way if that makes sense.
I have gotten better at not being the victim, of being in control of life and my choices (hence the job change...), but there is an aspect of loneliness in not being able to share all of this with others. And past that, I don’t even want to get that close to anyone right now because I feel like I would have to only show relatively small parts of myself to others and that just makes me feel even more useless.

But anyways, on a more positive note, I have less than two months of work left. And then I have an incredibly luxurious two months off. I seriously think that will fix everything. Maybe that’s totally ignorant but at least I’m able to be super hopeful. And then the next job seems awesome.

I will be traveling a bit and want to document my time a bit better. And I also want to document the parts that aren’t the highlight reel anyways. Like today. How it’s 143p and I’m in bed. I’m happy that I’ve sort of accepted this as my reality for some saturdays but i also genuinely feel a bit sorry for myself. I want to get away from myself for a few months and come back to the less beaten up version.

Anyways haha now we can see why I’m not interacting w too many people.

Ok onward though.... gonna try to get moving....

So this is kind of awkward.
I'm not exactly sure where to begin, other than I guess a background. I'm not sure how much to include for privacy reasons and all, but here it goes.

I work in a fairly stressful job and as a result, I think little bits and pieces of me have chipped away. As maybe an understatement. I used to love love love writing though, and I do love reading blogs, so maybe this won't be completely awkward. The big barrier is privacy though.

So, I'm in a residency program, and it is wonderful in a way that I frequently take for granted. Before, when I was in school, all I wanted was to make a contribution in the world and I am doing this on a daily basis now. And while it's not happy sunshine rainbows all over the place, there is some great work being done. But there is a lot of responsibility with this, and with that, there is a lot of anxiety and perfectionistic traits that are coming out. There's a lot of "I missed something" or "this didn't go as expected" that happens, as it does with everyone in this profession, but it will eat me up if I let it. And, lately, it's just been harder. I'm in my third year, so I know that there are easier times and harder times, so this too shall pass. And, there's also this self-consciousness with it. I want to come into work STRONG and stay strong all day, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. But, it will pass, so I just need to sit back and let it go.

I think a lot of the solution is personal development away from work, but I guess that at times just isn't easy. There's a lot of catching up on sleep/chores/resting that winds up taking up too much time, but, that part will get better too. Or there's a fear with personal development, and that's why I'm so slow with it. Who knows. A step at a time, I guess.