I just reread what I wrote previously and that is the exact rut I’m still in. Oh boy.
I am transitioning jobs and I just hope that one day I can find more balance with this career.
What’s also sort of interesting is just how intensely withdrawn I am lately. It’s very odd to be faced with a version of yourself that is not your usual self, but in a non-clinical way if that makes sense.
I have gotten better at not being the victim, of being in control of life and my choices (hence the job change...), but there is an aspect of loneliness in not being able to share all of this with others. And past that, I don’t even want to get that close to anyone right now because I feel like I would have to only show relatively small parts of myself to others and that just makes me feel even more useless.

But anyways, on a more positive note, I have less than two months of work left. And then I have an incredibly luxurious two months off. I seriously think that will fix everything. Maybe that’s totally ignorant but at least I’m able to be super hopeful. And then the next job seems awesome.

I will be traveling a bit and want to document my time a bit better. And I also want to document the parts that aren’t the highlight reel anyways. Like today. How it’s 143p and I’m in bed. I’m happy that I’ve sort of accepted this as my reality for some saturdays but i also genuinely feel a bit sorry for myself. I want to get away from myself for a few months and come back to the less beaten up version.

Anyways haha now we can see why I’m not interacting w too many people.

Ok onward though.... gonna try to get moving....